There's too much going on right now..

This time of the year is horrible for me, absolutely unbearable. Deep down i want to sit in my room alone, and just think. The fact of the matter is that - that is not good for me. If I am alone - my mind starts to wonder, i begin to think of things that make me happy but in the end make me sad. 

I try pretty hard to see the "good side" to every thing that has, does and will happen to me. But ya know, its not always that easy. I know other people who continuously live their lives this way as well...and it just seems that at one time or another - we all break. 

November (throughout the holidays) & March - (see other journals) those are my fragile months. Meaning that at any fluke moment, i could breakdown and start crying. Normally i'm not a very emotional type of gal - that just isn't my thing. I try to keep it all inside and maintain my strong / independent way of carrying myself. Nevertheless, its always when i'm doing something unexpected that it occurs. 

Its like an out of body experience, because i could be doing something in my everyday life - for example, driving. I begin thinking about my best friend - what she was, all that she embodied, who she loved, how she lived...and then i begin to think about where she would be now. I wonder if she'd be living in Michigan working for Stryker Medical or off in Arizona where she had the opportunity. Would she be dating someone? Would she still be stressing over the smallest of things? Would her and Marcy still be bickering everyday? Would we talk on a weekly / monthly basis?Most of all i wonder if she's dissapointed in me as a friend of hers - for not living my life to the fullest. Is she confident in the decisions that i have made? Am i properly full-filling the promise i made to her that day she passed? 

I don't know. I wish i could just see her again - hear her laugh one more time.